You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters
Author: Kate Murphy
Publisher: Celadon Books
View on Goodreads
Click above to buy this book from my Bookshop.org shop,* which supports independent bookstores (not Amazon). You can also find it via your favorite indie bookstore here.
Cover Description
At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.
In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). It’s time to stop talking and start listening.
TL;DR Review
You’re Not Listening is a well-written, readable, persuasive book that underscores the importance of true, unselfish listening and will inspire you to get better at it.
For you if: You want to deepen your relationships. I recommend this for everyone, even if you don’t usually read a lot of nonfiction.
Full Review
“Listening takes effort. Like reading, you might choose to go over some things carefully while skimming others, depending on the situation. But the ability to listen carefully, like the ability to read carefully, degrades if you don’t do it often enough. If you start listening to everyone as you would scan headlines on a celebrity gossip website, you won’t discover the poetry and wisdom that is within people. And you withhold the gift that the people who love you, or could love you, most desire.”
If you’re like me (and a bunch of other people, according to an informal poll by the author of this book), you know that you could be a better listener. What you might not realize — at least not fully — is just how important that is.
You’re Not Listening was the Next Big Idea Club’s April selection, and I’m so glad I read it. This isn’t one of those nonfiction books that should have just been a TED Talk; I found it to be well edited and worth your time. It’s a quick read, with short, punchy, focused chapters; a readable and conversational writing style; and the perfect blend of example, anecdote, psychology, science.
And this might sound kind of weird, but by the end of the book, I felt almost like Kate Murphy had listened to me, rather than me listening to (reading) her. She’s a journalist with great listening skills and obviously fantastic at her job. But she also hits the nail on the head with why listening, and being listened to, is so important to all of us, and the common pitfalls that we try, but fail, to avoid. Without shaming you, she guides you to take stock of your own desire to listen and propensity to do so.
One thing I learned that really struck a chord include the fact that people in long-term relationships often stop listening to one another deeply; in fact, when we know someone well, our brains tend to believe that we know what they’re going to say next, so we listen even less. That’s what can lead couples to grow apart and feel like they don’t know one another anymore, like their partner is someone different from who they first met.
In fact, this book is packed with interesting things, like the fact that when you aren’t listening to someone, they can subconsciously pick up on it, which makes them not try hard in the conversation, and actually makes them more boring, leading to a vicious cycle. Even the presence of a cell phone sitting nearby while you’re having a conversation can make both people less likely to open up, knowing that more dopamine-infused interesting things are within arms’ reach.
Kate Murphy gets in, makes her point, inspires you to become a better person, and then leaves you there to do something about it. And if that’s not what we all want out of a nonfiction read, I don’t know what is.
Trigger Warnings
None
*This is an affiliate link to Bookshop.org, an online alternative to buying books on Amazon. A portion of every sale goes directly to independent bookstores! When you buy a book using my link, I will also receive a small commission. Thank you for supporting indies. They need us.